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:iconfotomademoiselle: More from fotomademoiselle


Submitted on
July 8, 2011
File Size
720 bytes


1 (who?)
the loneliness has just sunk in
so i've picked up some paper and a pen
i'll hash it all out!
write everything down!
maybe that will cure my frown

but, too bad,

no matter what i do
nothing fills the void left from you
i've screamed and cried
then dried my eyes
but nothing really helps

i lay awake night after night
the desire to sleep puts up such a fight
i can't go on
this takes so damn long
and all i want is you

i must press on
i will stay true
so you should know
i'm waiting for you
I wrote this last week during my Lifespan Development class. In case you didn't know, my fiance has just deployed to Afghanistan. Sometimes it's an emotional rollercoaster for the both of us, but overall we're doing alright. Nights are the hardest, when I lay awake and miss him next to me. But his absence, like everything else in life, won't last for forever.

Some deviants have said that my poetry needs more structure, more organization. Comments? Critique? Part of me says that I'm too free to try and write each of my poems within the exact same robotical structure. But the other part of me thinks maybe I'm just being stubborn and need to open up to new ideas. :p What do you guys think?

(C) A.greenlaw 2010
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Critique by UnPrEdIcTaBLEme17 Jan 12, 2013, 8:13:01 PM
This is pretty normal. Not exactly bland or fabulous.
I think your vision for this was pretty cliched. It's all been done before. Many write about this topic for it comes up often in a lifetime.
I'm sorry to say this is not very original. It is always done and a VERY common topic. But I do like the way you worded it, so I gave you 2 stars.
As I previously said, the way you worded it was nice, but it has a very strange rhyme pattern. It puzzled me for awhile there.
This did not make a big impact upon my life. Today, I'm thinking about it but tomorrow it will slip my mind.
I am sorry but this is how I feel about this poem. Do not take it much to heart, much of your other work is fabulous but this was pretty disappointing.
What do you think?
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1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

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mrcbax Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I write structured poems sometimes, and sometimes I just go with the flow, or lack there of. There's no harm in trying to add some structure if you feel like it, but in the end it's usually best to stick with what you truly feel.
fotomademoiselle Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Thanks for your input! :)
mrcbax Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011  Student General Artist
fotomademoiselle Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Venry Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2011  Student General Artist
OrangePatrick Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I think it's awesome~!
fotomademoiselle Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
Awh thanks. :meow:
OrangePatrick Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Np~ :meow:
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